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Notional Missile Defence
Recent submissions
Lens frenzy
An array of magnifying glasses could be aligned using solar-powered motors to focus the rays of the sun onto incoming ICBMs.
Of course, this would only work on the day side of the planet unless an enormous geosynchronous mirror could be built on the night side to reflect the rays back through lens arrays there.
The scheme could be made to pay for itself within a few years if the arrays were leased during peacetime to South American cattle companies to clear inconvenient tracts of rainforest.
Additionally, the weapon would allow other targets such as friendly forces and Japanese trawlers to be pinpointed accurately.
Budget request: None - see leasing options
Declaration of interest: Currently engaged in small-scale experiments on ants
Operation I.S.P.
Millions of AOL/Compuserve/Freeserve cd-roms appear every day. Instead of littering the earth these disks could be put to a better use: by sending the disks into space a huge light-beam-focusing array could be built. This would destroy incoming missiles by utilizing the sun's powerful light. See: www.ispa.org.uk
Budget request: 1/10th of AOL's yearly output of CDs
Declaration of interest: may or may not have worked in the CD manufactureing industry
Mobile Missile Defence
With mobile phone useage approaching 70% of the population is civilised countries, the mobile operators could deploy a SIM toolkit application that would cause all the phones to try and out-dial simultaneously as the result of a network wide broadcast command. The resultant electromagnetic pulse from all these phones would scramble the electronic systems of the incoming missiles, rendering them harmless.
Budget request: How about returning the billions we spent on 3G licences?
Declaration of interest: We may own several GSM networks, but that's only a coincidence.
Use the money effectively
If the US build laser weapons, the bad guys can paint their missiles silver. In the highly unlikely event that star wars come up with an effective ABM system the bad guys can just send their nukes over in ships/trucks. If we stop them building nukes they'll just come and poop in our water supply. Technology obviously isn't the answer.
Why not take all that money proposed for hi-tech star wars research and keep it in a slush fund, ready to bribe rogue states not to be nasty to us.
I'm happy to administer these funds on behalf of the US government for , say, a 1% per annum management fee.
Budget request: A couple of trillion $ would do nicely thank you
Declaration of interest: Just trying to help
Obscure the target
1. Rename your country.
"Death to the-country-formerly-known-as-America" is much less catchy as a rallying cry in extremist states.
2. Turn the country into a giant mobile home, then move it 5000 kilometres East.
Not only will incoming missiles fail to connect, airfares to Europe and Africa will be considerably reduced. Having a mobile country will enable you move south for the winter, allowing huge energy savings. Also, all local, state and federal laws will be invalid, so it will be a golden opportunity to review the legal system.
3. Covertly move rogue states into the hole left from the moving of "TCFKA America".
Any states firing missiles at America will only shoot themselves.
Budget request: 100% of GNP
Dog balls
A quick calculation reveals that if a hollow steel sphere of 300 ft diameter and 1/4 inch thickness is evacuated, it will float up into the atmosphere. It should be possible to construct huge rafts of these spheres from used dog food tins in just a few years. Solar panels will provide power to a number of electrically driven propellors to keep the raft in position.
This raft will provide an impenetrable barrier to incoming missiles. However it will also block all light, killing plant life and leading shortly after to death of animal life through starvation or Vitamin D deficiency.
It is our proposal that instead of shielding our country, the rafts could be positioned over rogue states, both preventing missile launches and killing off populations of subsistence farmers (who represent the gravest threat to US national security).
Studies funded by the coal industry have shown that 99.99% of global warming is due to methane produced by flatulent beasts of burden working on farms in the less developed countries. A whopping 10% of methane emissions were found to come from a single camel named Abdulla who works in a cabbage farm in southern Iraq
The steel shield, codenamed dog balls, will have many benefits.
- Any missiles launched from a shielded country will crash into the raft and fall back on the country of origin.
- Methane emissions will be reduced by the annihilation of bovine polluters in these states.
- It is hoped that America can claim carbon credits for the resulting reduction in greenhouse gases
- The reflective raft will lead to cooling of the planet, requiring that more fossil fuels be burned to help keep the planet warm. This is good for our economy
- The volume of the atmosphere will be increase by the evacuation of the spheres. This will lead to a greater surface area for the atmosphere and even more cooling. Thus we must burn even more fossil fuels
- The dead camels, yaks and water buffalo will provide much needed dog meat, allowing more cans to be sold. This ensures the expansion of the raft to protect future generations of Americans from the ever increasing threat of non mechanised countries with ballistic missile capability
A review of several proposals by pentagon advisers may lead to the adoption of the plan.
One official was quoted as saying "We have looked at a lot of schemes, but nothing sticks out quite like dog balls."
Budget request: Some old tins and some second hand ceiling fans.
Improved social skills approach.
Stop annoying people. Current research indicates that people who launch ballistic missile attacks are deeply annoyed at the target.
Prevention is always better than cure.
Budget request: Kindness costs nothing
Greenies
Get some school kids to stand on top of the tallest buildings in each city. They can then knock the missiles off course with well-aimed phlegm projectiles. Others can flick chunks of phlegm soaked paper with shatterproof rulers, etc, etc....
Budget request: £3 or so for 20 Marlboros per kid per building (enough to create greenies on demand). £1000 for window cleaning after trials and numerous false alarms.
Declaration of interest: The Nationwide building society is currently offering 3.6%
Decentralized Redundant Array of Inspired Nutcases
Monolithic defence systems, like any other monolithic system, are prone to propagating errors and consequent total failure. The Administration, while not going so far as to describe centralized defense contracts as "socialism for the rich", appreciates that they undermine the self-reliance necessary to keep America great.
For both these reasons, DRAIN will be implemented by multiple autonomous teams, faith-based or not, designing and building advanced technology in their own garages. Exceptional progress has been made to date. See: www.railgun.org
Budget request: 5 Farads
Fool 'em into thinking you've moved!
Simply send a letter to whichever rogue state or unfriendly missile owners are about that reads...
From the United States of America
Dear tactical nuclear missile owner
We have moved!
This letter is to inform you of our recent move to Australia. From now on we shall be known as the United States of Australia (your basket balls, running gear etc with USA logos will not be affected). Please forward all bank statements, intercontinental ballistic missiles, junk mail, and depleted nuclear waste to our new home down under
Signed, your friend, George Dubya
Budget request: Fifty measly bucks for postcards and stamps. A bargain!
Whitehall foreign falling things from sky form 34B/33SSD
Harnessing the power of the British Civil Service, based in Whitehall, and their ability to create unlimited red tape and hot air.
A form, to be filled in by the aggressor (here to be known as the first party) and the victim (now known as the Second party), witnessed by the UN (here to be known as the third party) must be handed in 7 days before launch of any IBM (AKA fourth party) to the Whitehall foreign-falling-things-from-sky-office (AKA fifth party). Failure to do so will cause the 5th party to issue a non-launch-warning-notice to the 1st party.
Various supporting documents will be required by the 5th party, listing targets, costs, number of children, number of adults of voting age in each house hold to be attacked, occupation, inside leg measurement, etc - a full list of all details needed will never be released, allowing the paperwork to rotate around Whitehall, and no launch permits to be issued to any 1st parties.
The second benefit of this plan is that all the hot air generated will create balmy summers in the UK, beach property will increase in value, and all illegal launches of missiles will be blown back into the sky, being carried upwards by the vast blasts of hot air from WhiteHall.
Special civil servant commandos will be formed, to take paperwork to all points of the globe, making missile attacks a thing of the past.
Budget request: Tea and crumpets by the bucket load, and Cricket to be the international game, played by everyone, but only the Brits can ever win.
Resistance is futile - fill in the goddamn form
Phased-array radar and space-based tracking of incoming munitions with precision interception by chemical-fuelled projectiles
Obviously, the only way to deal with rogue states is to hit them and hit them hard. Right on the nose. And their missiles, too. We therefore propose:
- To construct missile-detecting radars at a site to be announced in Alaska and at Beale Air Force Base in California, Otis AFB in Massachusetts, Thule in Greenland--and Fylingdales, on the North Yorkshire Moors in the UK. These will be available 24/365 and will detect all hostile incoming with no false positives, ever.
- Additionally to deploy satellite-based detection systems with the same operational characteristics as above.
- Smart missiles will hit the incoming. On the nose.
- A integrated C3I* system to integrate the above comprising many million lines of real-time code that will have no bugs. Not serious ones, anyway.
See: www.boeing.com/defense-space/space/nmd/
Budget request: US$ 1.4 * 10^10 (FY 2001 only)
Declaration of interest: None. For the good of humanity and peace on earth
Clouds of wee beasties
In the event of an attack by a state of U.S-hating lemmons intent on getting pulverised by the counter attack, projectiles could be launched to spread large amounts of microbots into the air in front of the menacing missile. The missile would then be coated by these miniature machines which could be programmed to disable the missile.
Budget request: A nice cup of tea, a few cornish pasties,
oh and 50 000 000 000, u.s. No, ster£ing!
Frankenspiders
As is notorious, spider silk is among the strongest filaments known, weight for weight. Recent research has also shown that spiders spend a remarkable amount of their time airborne.
Research will therefore focus on:
- incorporating genes from humans with a fear of heights - but reversed, to produce spiders with a fear of the ground; and
- using accelerated so-called "natural" evolution rather than engineering, since we know of no source of the desired gene. This strand of the research will wean successive generations of spiders onto a diet of rocket-shaped pellets of genetically-engineered soya.
Our firm expectation is that the product of cross-breeding the two resulting strains will (a) hang out at the highest altitude they can manage and (b) on sighting an incoming rocket will recognise it as huge food and accordingly spin an enormous web.
It will of course be necessary to feed our airborne sentinels. Periodic high-altitude bursts of shells containing aforementioned rocket-shaped pellets of genetically-engineered soya will be employed.
Budget request: US$ rand()
Declaration of interest: We have a huge amount of spider food on our hands, so we may as well fire it into space.
* As soon as we come up with a safe new name that doesn't evoke Frankenhorrors we'll be sure to let you know.
Yogic flying
Clearly underresourced, the organisation www.yogicflying.org has a concept so obvious that it will clearly with proper targeted funding be able to develop a military-grade technology.
Budget request: the souls of 1% of the population
Declaration of interest: None. For the good of humanity and peace on earth
Environmentally Friendly Missile Defence
Thus far, no attempt has been made to design a Notional Missile Defence that accounts for global effects. The following is suggested:
Device:
Stretch large pieces of reprocessed balloon refuse across the entire U.S. continent (alternatively, only 'tactically viable' portions).
Environmental Advantages:
- Reduction of ultra-violet radiation
- Reduced landslides and precipitation-related natural disasters
- Porous materials ensure constant dripping, thus reducing variability of agricultural cycles
- Reduction of long-term land-fill
Lifestyle Advantages:
- Constant shading leads to a more relaxed lifestyle
- Reduction of harsh winter climate will lead to a more efficient use of energy
- No more of that unwanted 'I've been hit by space-junk' effect
- No more lost tennis balls
Nuclear Deterrence:
Owing to the rubber qualities of the defence shield, any nation - rogue or established - launching an attack will be launching an attack against themselves as the missiles will bounce off the shield and return to their origin.
The author concedes that the plan may have its disadvantages. However, a summit may assist in ironing out the details.
Budget request: any old balls
For the birds
New Scientist recently reported reasearch into the apparent phenomenon that people who wear glasses have a good chance of "hearing" the electromagnetic pops and whistles of meteors and satellites as they traverse the atmosphere. Missiles are sure to make their own characteristic racket. Why not give our retirees an alternative to bird watching at home, and set them up at strategic points across the landscape, spectacles tuned, and with mobile phones to alert the nearest constabulary to an unwelcome incursion?
A police person with a rifle has at least as much chance (on current testing) as a counter-missile, at knocking an intruder out of the sky. And think of the savings - missile defence for the price of birdseed.
Budget request: Let's see: area of USA = 9,629,091 km^2; say one retiree / 100 km^2 and 1kg bait/retiree/day:
approx. 3500 tonnes of birdseed/year.
Declaration of interest: Does anon by any chance own an, er, "birdseed" farm?
Mussel Defence Plan
Blue mussels stick themselves to rocks using amazingly strong threads called byssal threads. This protects them from waves, predatory sea stars and gulls, and the prying hands of small children.
So: first we spend zillions of dollars sequencing the genome for blue mussels. We isolate the genes responsible for producing the byssal threads and enhance them through modern gene therapy. Now, we start a selective breeding program and take only those mussels that produce threads that are strong enough to resist a hit from a ballistic missile yet pliable enough so that they don't shatter when the inbound hits them. (I'm sure we could scale down a test missile for this).
Once we have a good base population of mussels, we put them on an intense breeding and spawning program to create huge colony of super byssal thread producing mussels. Of course, we'd have changed their genetic makeup to the point where we'd have to re-classify them (I suggest changing from the current Mytilus edulis to Mytilus dubyis)
Harvest the byssal threads and weave them into huge nets. What to do with the nets? Read on..
Spend even more money and build a fleet of Mussel-Net-Deploying spacecraft. Have them permanently based on the International Space Station - labelled as Marine Biology lab equipment. Don't tell anyone. It's a secret
Once a launch is detected, the spacecraft would authentically launch themselves toward earth from the space station and trail the nets behind them. The inbound missiles will hit the nets. The inbounds won't explode as I'm pretty sure them don't arm themselves until re-entry. After hitting the nets, the missiles simply roll down them, hit the atmosphere at the wrong angle for effective re-entry and burn.
On reflection...
How about issuing all 300 million americans with small compact make-up mirrors?
As soon as an incoming missile is detected, they can all go outside and focus their mirror on the incoming object and the combined energy will burn it out of the sky.
No good at night or on foggy days though
It would also be pretty dangerous to let all that firepower loose without a very strictly controlled licensing system. I'm sure the NACMA (National American Compact Mirrors Association) will pull all necessary strings to ensure that no such system is ever introduced. It is after all every citizen's constitutional right to carry a concealed make up mirror. Just imagine if such awsome weaponry got into the wrong hands.
Microsoft Defense 2000, military edition
Bombard the skies with M*cr*s*ft software. As any computer user knows: get enough Windows applications in one place and anything nearby will crash.
Improved NMD System
A fleet of single pilot space planes kept, like the old Strategic Air Command B-52's, in sub-orbital space at all times. Like fish in an aquarium when food is dropped on the surface, the planes would scurry to the site of any missile launch and attack in overwhelming numbers.
Now it is obvious that this would require a huge outlay for research, construction, maintenance, and support. But, after all, it is a system which would serve its function flawlessly...
(Of course, that function is to provide billions of dollars for impoverished defense contractors)
Free for all!
Give the "technological advances" gained in the previous Starwars farce to the other major powers and hope that they are stupid enough to use them to try to compete in the "star wars" race.
Budget request: not our problem
People power
A proposal on (unofficial) behalf of the fields of psychology and anthropology.
Really, all this computer stuff is highly over-rated anyway. I think that the best missile defense system would involve large numbers of people with telescopes sitting in their backyards or on their front porches. Just give them a phone number to call if they see a missile, and they can tell the military where to shoot. Sure, you'll have a lot of false alarms, you know, people seeing alien invasions, meteorites, spots in front of their eyes, and their good-looking neighbors undressing, but darn it, we won't get hit by any pesky missiles either!
Declaration of interest: from but not for the American Psychological Association
Cultural warfare
Ensure all guitar-playing nuns are confined to sparsely-populated areas.
Budget request: three Hail Marys and a novena
Star Wars defense system
Media attention
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